Birthdays, Small Gifts and the Thank-You Rule for Regulars

Remember a regular's birthday, thank him for any gift and make it clear in the same breath that nothing is owed back, and when you give something, make it cost attention rather than money. That is the thank-you rule, and it keeps gifts where they belong: as a sign that you both enjoy the arrangement, not as a down payment on something you have not agreed to sell. The safety point comes first, though, because unwanted attention very often begins with presents.

Gifts are where stalking starts

The Dancers Information project, drawing on the Suzy Lamplugh Trust, notes that stalking cases often open with gifts and flowers, the ordinary gestures that are hard to refuse and easy to escalate. A regular who brings you a coffee is being kind. A regular who sends flowers to the club with a note about "our" evening, then asks for your address so the next bouquet goes to your home, is not. The rule for anything delivered: it comes to the club, it never comes to you, and a man who pushes for a delivery address has shown you something. More on the pattern and what to do about it in /advice/stalkers-start-with-gifts.

So the first filter on any gift is the question of what it gives him. A gift that gives him nothing but the pleasure of giving is fine. A gift that gives him information, access or a claim is not, however expensive it is.

The thank-you rule

Josephine, in the Regulars Round Table, described her script for gifts in two steps: thank him warmly, then make clear she does not expect anything from him and he should not expect anything from her. The gift is complete in itself. Her corollary is the important part: any regular who starts to expect favors in return for gifts gets reassessed, and usually fades out.

In practice the script sounds like this.

• "This is so sweet, thank you. You know you don't have to do this, right? I'd be happy to see you either way."
• "I love it. And just so we're clear, this doesn't change the price of a room."
• "Thank you. You're the only one who remembers I like these. Now sit down and buy a dance, I'm working."

The last one is the vet's version: gratitude, a laugh, and straight back to business. The gift is acknowledged and the frame stays commercial.

Should I accept gifts from regulars at all?

Yes, with two tests: it does not give him anything over you, and you would not feel obliged. Vice's dancers describe birthday dinners and Christmas presents from long-term regulars as part of the relationship, and none of them treated it as a problem. The problem appears when the gift is big enough that you feel you owe him, because then he owns a piece of the next shift. A man who hands you a four-figure handbag and then asks for a discount on rooms has bought the discount. Say thank you, and let the price stay the price. If that makes him sulk, the gift was never a gift.

Cash gifts are the cleanest kind. They are tips. Log them as income like everything else, and keep the tax set-aside on them (see /advice/taxes-for-dancers).

What should I give a regular?

Attention, mostly. The gifts that vets describe cost almost nothing and land because they prove you listened: Josephine gave a regular a book on a subject he had mentioned; a dancer remembers a man's team and texts him when they win; another orders his drink before he reaches the table. On his birthday, a text that morning ("Happy birthday, old man. Come in and I'll make it a good one") is a gift. A free song during a paid set is a gift. A birthday discount is not a gift; it is a price cut, and a regular who gets one once expects it twice.

What you give him should never be your time outside the club. Dinner, a drink after work, a lift home: those are not gifts, they are exceptions to the arrangement, and every vet in the Round Table treats off-the-clock time as the thing regulars will try to claim as a right. If you want to mark a birthday, do it on your floor, on your shift.

Keeping track

Birthdays only work if you remember them, and you will not. Write them down in the book next to his name, with the one detail that makes the message personal (see /advice/keeping-notes-on-your-book). Set yourself a reminder for the morning. Four lines of text at 10am is the entire cost of being the dancer who remembered, and dancers who do it say it is the single cheapest loyalty move there is.

Keep a note of what he gave you, too, for a less sentimental reason: when a regular's gifts start growing faster than his spending in the room, that is the moment to apply the thank-you rule harder, or to start the fade described in /advice/the-regular-who-wants-more.

When generosity goes the other way

The dancers who get hurt by gifts are usually the ones who start giving them. Free time, free rides, a loan when he is short, a dance on the house because he had a bad week: each one feels like kindness and each one teaches him the price is negotiable. Caty, in the Round Table, admitted that the closeness she had with one regular probably reflected her own isolation more than his qualities, and that is the trap in a sentence. Be generous with attention and firm with everything that costs money or time. He will respect the second more than he notices the first.

Do this tonight

• Add a birthday to every regular's notes and fill in the ones you know.
• Decide your thank-you line and say it the next time anyone hands you anything.
• Give one regular a gift that costs nothing: his drink waiting, a question about the thing he told you last time.
• Any gift that needs an address goes to the club or does not come at all.