Rules Before the Dance: The Hands Speech and Two Warnings

Say the rules out loud before the first song of every dance: where his hands go, what the club allows, and what happens if he moves. Then hold to a two-warning policy: first touch, a reminder; second, a firm warning; third, you stop, walk, and tell security. Dancers who skip the speech because it feels awkward end up negotiating mid-dance, which is the worst place to negotiate anything. The rules stated up front are not a buzzkill. They are the reason the dance is safe enough to be fun.

Why the speech comes first

A customer who hears the rules before the dance has agreed to them. A customer who hears them during the dance feels accused. That difference drives everything that follows: the first man apologizes and sits on his hands; the second man argues, and an argument in a dark booth with a man who has been drinking is the situation every safety guide is trying to prevent. Dancers Information, which collected working dancers' practice, puts stating the rules before you begin at the top of its advice on customers, with the warn-then-walk sequence right behind it.

There is also the newcomer problem. Inverse reported a new dancer who let customers grope her because she assumed it was normal, and learned months later that most dancers at her club allowed nothing of the kind. Nobody told her, and she never said the rules, so the customers set them. Say them and you set them.

The hands speech

Keep it short, friendly and the same every time, so it comes out automatically even on your fortieth dance of the night. Pick one and make it yours.

• "Quick rules so nobody gets thrown out: hands stay on the seat, I do the touching. Cameras everywhere. Deal?"
• "House rules, not mine: hands at your sides or under your legs. Relax and let me work."
• "Before I start, hands on the couch and they stay there. Break it and the big guy at the door gets involved, and I'd rather he didn't."

Three things each one does: states the rule, names an outside authority (the club, the cameras, security) so the rule is not a personal insult, and ends on a light note so the mood survives. Gemma Rose, who danced at more than thirty clubs, adjusts the delivery to the man: a shy or submissive customer gets a playful version with his hands pinned, a dominant one gets a plainer line about the club removing him. The content does not change.

Add whatever your club requires. Some clubs allow hands on the waist, some allow nothing, some vary by room. Know the house rule so your rule is never looser than it, and never promise anything the club does not permit (see /advice/extras-the-real-cost).

What do I do when a customer touches me during a dance?

Stop moving, take his hands and put them back, and say the rule again, lightly, the first time. "Hands. Remember?" Most men stop there; they were testing, and the test failed. The second time, you stop the dance, step back, and say it plainly: "That's two. One more and we're done and I'm getting security." No smile this time. The third time, you end the dance, walk out, and tell the nearest bouncer or floor manager what happened and where he is sitting. You do not refund, you do not debate, and you do not finish the song. Dancers Information's sequence is exactly this: warn once or twice, then walk and call security.

The policy only works if you follow it. A dancer who gives five warnings has taught him the warnings mean nothing. Two is enough to be fair. Three is enough to be safe.

Why do I blame the club instead of myself?

Because a man can argue with you and cannot argue with a camera. Framing the rule as the club's ("house rules", "cameras", "they'll throw you out") moves it out of the realm of personal rejection, which is what makes grabby men aggressive. He is not being refused by you; he is being watched by the building. That is the whole of /advice/blame-the-cameras, and it belongs in the speech from the first sentence.

The rules do not change for regulars

A regular who has heard the speech thirty times still gets it, shortened. "You know the rules. Hands." A man who has spent thousands with you will sometimes test whether the money bought an exception; the answer, said warmly, is that it did not. Consistency is what makes a regular comfortable, because he knows exactly how to behave and never has to guess. The dancer who lets a regular's hands wander on a good night and stops them on a bad one has made the rule unpredictable, and unpredictability is where resentment starts. Same speech, same policy, every time.

Positioning backs the speech up

The speech sets expectations; your body enforces them. Dance so he cannot easily reach, keep your hands free, use the mirror, and never turn your back for long on a man you do not know. The practical techniques are in /advice/defensive-lap-dancing. The point here is that the rule and the positioning work together: the man who was told hands stay down and finds that your position makes them useless anyway rarely bothers.

Do this tonight

• Write your hands speech and say it before every dance tonight, including with regulars.
• Decide your two-warning sequence and what you will say at each step.
• Find out exactly what your club allows, so your rule is never looser than the house rule.
• The third time anyone touches you, walk and tell security, without finishing the song.